Something is rotten in the state of SisterPlushie.
Let’s talk a little about it, I suppose.
I’ve been thinking about it all day, since I saw the title of this post in one of those slow aesthetic storm short-form videos on social media. So I figured I’d put on appropriate lo-fi music, turn the lights down, and just sort of… write, for a bit. About life, about everything going on, about the world around us.
I’m carrying on. It’s not easy, by any means, of course; things are rough. Getting up in the morning is difficult, trying to get out of the house for more than just the game store, school, and my doctors’ visits is difficult at best and impossible at worst, and not a day goes by that I am not under a blanket rubbing my eyes trying to keep them pried open to get things done.
And that sucks. A lot. I miss when I was younger; back when I didn’t have to think so hard about everything, every day. Before I got to balancing bank accounts, before I had to worry about medication and gender and whether or not the politicians are going to take away basic rights in anywhere from 90 days to immediately.
I miss when I could just wile away the day inside, not looking at my class schedule and doctors’ schedules and just go about life.
I miss when it wasn’t hard to get through life without [DETERMINATION].
I didn’t get to see the aurora. The last time I had sex, I locked up hard due to overstimulation and went nonverbal. I’m constantly under pressure from classes to get the next thing done and the next thing after that.
People don’t really initiate conversation with me, and half the time when I talk to people lately, it either drops off suddenly or people get upset at what I say, out of the blue.
But there’s some good to it all. I want to focus on the positives while I write this next section (I have been writing this off-and-on for an hour and a half at this point; I don’t write longer stuff in one sitting usually; it’s why I don’t tend to write long stuff, because I have ADHD lmao)
I got a nice new jacket from mom. It’s a really nice long Carhartt. Suede leather, or whatever. It’s nice. Looks like the one Leon wears in RE4, although this one is black with brown decor, rather than flat brown.
I (at least for now) have access to medication that’s keeping me in decent spirits while it’s working. It’s a wonder what the medicine you’re addicted to will do for your mood while it’s functioning, in your body, and also eliminating the worst of the pain you feel on a daily basis.
I got to talk to one of my favorite roleplayers on the entire website today. She’s a real treat. Keeps it real, indulges my various fuckered up kinks without shame (beyond the kinky kind), and is always positively amazing to talk with. Here’s a toast to you, bun.
I’m trying out a new style with this post, as far as the formatting of the text and all goes. Slightly less harsh white text and the font from the menu up top in the text, rather than just the default Arial knockoff font, or whatever it is. I’ve never really looked at it. I think it looks cool.
I think some of those positives are nice to think about. It’s necessary when you’re unravelling, little by little — gives you a reason to sort of, stick to the need to wind yourself up a little more. Keep yourself going.
Everyone keeps telling trans people that they have to stay alive. If you do something else, great, but stay alive. And I think that leads me towards my thought on that all —
It always feels like those messages are aimed pretty squarely at transfems. I don’t think that’s a bad thing; I think we need it. So I’m holding onto one of those messages right now, and hoping for the best.
Maybe soon I’ll talk on about the nature of how I feel trans stuff is handled in the zeitgeist online. Might be cool.
We’ll see.
Anyway. That’s all for now, I think. Two hours is too much for a blog post.
Love you. See you again soon, starshine.